Last school year, I worked as the school psychologist at my son’s school. In his Kindergarten classroom, there was a little boy who cried the minute his mother parked the car. He would walk with her to his line, but continued to weep and occasionally tantrum with louder crying and hiding under the table throughout the day.
There was another little boy in TK who also was resistant to going to school. This little boy, however, became aggressive with hitting and would even run into the parking lot when his (very pregnant) mother was attempting to walk him to his classroom!
If one of these situations sounds familiar to you, I first can assure you that you are not alone, and secondly assure you that with strategies and tools, you can reduce your child’s separation anxiety. As a school psychologist, I know a lot about both emotions and behavior. And, while separation anxiety may appear to be emotions based, it is not, it’s a BEHAVIOR!
Why is Separation Anxiety a behavior?
Yes, your child is experiencing strong emotions. But these emotions are a behavior, meaning that they serve a function. And the function of the behavior is to try to get to go home, or stay home, where YOU, the parent are helping them feel safe, comfortable, fed and entertained with your attention, love, and often entertainment… technology.
Are you a “bad” parent? No. You have just been nurturing your little one for the last 4-5 years, keeping them safe, happy, healthy, and loved. And now they are expected to leave their comfortable space and parent and interact with unfamiliar people and have demands placed on them that are novel and sometimes difficult. And let’s not forget…there are things that your child may not like to do, and that’s OK. Just like eating their vegetables, things that are not fun
What does Separation Anxiety Look Like?
Separation anxiety is a common and natural part of child development, particularly in younger children. It typically manifests as distress when a child is separated from their primary caregivers, such as parents or guardians. This can include crying, clinginess, tantrums, and physical symptoms like stomachaches or headaches. It can also include elopement and aggression, however. With these children, the concern is always unsafe behaviors, as I have chased children who have eloped form campus and helped with children who were throwing items during a tantrum. Separation anxiety can become problematic when it is intense, persistent, and interferes with the child’s daily activities or development. If a child older than six continues to experience severe anxiety during separations, or if the anxiety leads to avoidance of school or social activities, it may be indicative of separation anxiety disorder (SAD). This condition can impact a child’s ability to function effectively in social and academic settings.
What are some of the strategies that teachers can do
Most experienced teachers have had experience with students with separation anxiety. These pros often know to model calmness, ignore the behaviors, have patience, provide a transition (preferred) activity in the mornings. Usually after 10, or even 5 minutes of the parent being gone, these students are fine and join their peers without difficulty. Experienced teachers know, out of sight, out of mind. Because…it’s a behavior.
But if it has been more than a month, and your child’s teacher’s strategies have not helped the morning battle about going to school, here are some strategies, tools, and knowledge for PARENTS.
The first step that PARENTS should take
First, if your child is getting to stay home and use ANY type of TECHNOLOGY, preferred play items, or yummy foods…STOP right NOW! When children are too emotional to remain at school, providing these items or activities only serves as a reward for their behavior. The things that they like are now going to be EARNED for attending school and being a brave “big boy” or “big girl.”
When at home on a day that they have refused to go or stay at school, make home BORING…all day. This may mean that they have to color, practice their letters, shapes, or numbers, or help with chores. Get a packet of “work” from your child’s teacher if you need “school materials”. Even after school hours on weekdays you will have to keep this up. Yes, this will mean that you may have to entertain them a little, deal with some more crying, or take them with you to the store or even work. Unfortunately, it is better to spend a few days doing this then a few weeks or even months adjusting YOUR life to accommodate your child’s behavior. YOU are in charge!
Provide a MORNING ROUTINE Checklist
This Morning Routines Daily Schedule is a tool that many parents have found helpful with staying on track with getting to school, especially with students with ADHD. Sometimes the difficulty is all related to lack of structure and expectations in the morning. Younger children and students with Autism also benefit from visual schedules.
Teachers use visual schedules all day, whether picture or written, to help children understand what the expectations are for the day. This reduces anxiety in children who can become stressed by not knowing what to expect in their day. By using a home visual schedule, you can support your child with getting to school on time.
This daily schedule also has an incentive indicated for going to school and the classroom without having behaviors. This is where your child can “earn” the things that motivate them (TV, technology, Nintendo Switch, etc.) , instead of enjoying them when they have not gone to school.
Don’t allow TV or Technology in the morning!
When you give kids their preferred drug of choice…technology, they are often going to have behaviors in order to maintain their preferred activity. Sometimes the child might say, “I hate school”, but what they really are thinking is, “I don’t want to stop playing my game.”
Use a Social Stories about Going to School
Whether a video social story, or a book, social stories can help teach skills and give strategies to children who are struggling with a variety of behaviors. In this Social Story Coloring Book for Separation Anxiety, children learn about all of the fun activities that happen at school. They also learn about the strategies that they can use to feel better when their parent leaves. These strategies include using a transition item, such as a stuffed animal, using distraction activities, and calming strategies.
The secret to using Social Stories is repetition…meaning, read the story daily. I’d probably recommend reading it before bed night. But, if that doesn’t work, read it in the mornings, so that the strategies and expectation of going to school is fresh in your child’s mind.
Finally…Stay Consistent, Stay Tough, and Remain Patient
I know you love your child. But loving them means that you need to let them cry, feel uncomfortable, and do things that they don’t want to do. My son complains regularly about going to his Taekwondo class. Do I offer him incentives…not in this case because its’ an expectation and I’m a “mean mom.” But I know that, despite his complaining, once he is there, he is super loving it. Not just liking it…loving it.
And you child will Love, or at least like, school too. School is where kids make friends, have fun, and grow their skills and intelligence. So, stay strong, use tools and strategies, and let them blossom.